


When You Break

by GlowSpikes



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, RQG Femslash Week, azu respects sasha's boundaries, death mention, mild nsfw but its only mentioned in passing, sasha has nightmares, this is a bit canon divergent because I have no clue where it'd fit in the timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:02:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23265895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlowSpikes/pseuds/GlowSpikes
Summary: When Sasha wakes up, covered in sweat and heart pounding, she usually tries to keep from waking Azu. The comforting presence of the paladin is there even as she’s asleep, which is usually enough to calm Sasha enough that she can drift off on her own. Tonight, she needs more than that.
Relationships: Azu & Sasha Racket, Azu/Sasha Racket
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27
Collections: RQG Femslash Week 2020





	When You Break

Azu always sleeps on the side of the bed that’s against the wall, and Sasha sleeps on the open side, an arrangement that was made wordlessly and had become their normal, something they just do without thought every night. Sasha had once asked about it- didn’t Azu ever want to switch sides? The paladin had just shrugged and told her that she never wanted Sasha to feel trapped. Hearing that made her stomach curl with a sense of surprise and something else, something warm and intense that Sasha has no name for. She can’t remember the last time someone had treated her with such effortless consideration. 

She trusts Azu now, truly trusts her. The knife she keeps under her pillow is clenched less tightly these days because Sasha knows Azu is capable of keeping her safe if anything happens- not that she needs the help, but the knowledge is a relief. It allows her to let her guard down enough to sleep so deeply she can dream without waking up at the tiniest sound. 

This is both a blessing and a curse.

Most nights her dreams are dark, she dreams of Brock, of Barret, or even Eldarion. When she wakes up from those nightmares, Sasha takes comfort in Azu’s presence, the steady rise and fall of her chest and the gentle snores that come when she sleeps on her back for too long. If the nightmare was particularly bad, Sasha will move closer so her back is almost touching Azu, and can fall back asleep after a few minutes to calm down.

There are some nights where this isn’t enough.

The nights Sasha wakes up, frozen in place by the cold lead in her stomach and the horrible emptiness in her chest. Her hands don’t even shake and all she can do is stare into the darkness and try to remember how to breathe through lungs that don’t seem to work, while she drips with sweat and struggles not to cry. These nights, she needs more than just the passive comfort Azu’s sleeping form gives her. 

This time, the nightmare failed to feature Sasha’s normal nightly torments, and instead forced her to watch Azu die slowly, painfully, and in her arms. When she wakes up, Sasha sits bolt upright and checks her shirt for the hot, wet blooms of blood she is sure have to be there. It takes a moment for the tears to set in, and only seconds for them to turn to violent sobs that shake her small frame. 

Azu wakes up quite quickly, how could she not? As much as she tries, Sasha is unable to muffle her sobbing, which also shakes the bed they share. The paladin knows she has nightmares- they all do- but Sasha has never woken her like this before, and she’s worried. She cares very deeply for Sasha, much deeper than she’ll ever vocalize for fear of scaring her. For Azu to see Sasha so upset sends a stab of cold pain through her chest and sets her stomach rolling painfully with empathy. Her first instinct is to hug her rogue, but she knows that will only make things worse, so she refrains. All she can do is watch her curl into a tighter ball.

“Sasha?” Azu asks, her voice low and rough with sleep, though she’s wide awake.”Are you okay?” It’s a stupid question, and she knows it the second it leaves her lips. Through the dark, she hears Sasha’s sobbing hitch in a bitter laugh.

“No.”

Sasha’s chest hurts, and despite all the air she’s gulping in, none of it seems to reach her lungs. She wishes she could see Azu- the glow from her breastplate in the corner isn’t bright enough to cut through the darkness.. She can only see Azu in the way she sees her hand in front of her face in the pitch black, though she knows Azu can see her clearly. It takes some minutes for the sobs to die down enough for her to move, though her body continues to shake and tears continue to streak down her face. 

It surprises Azu when Sasha leans against her, since she’s never known her to seek comfort like this when she’s upset. In that way, the rogue reminds her of a feral cat, preferring to lick her own wounds and hide her distress. Azu is careful to not touch Sasha beyond their current contact for fear of making her feel smothered. 

“Hold me?” Sasha asks after a moment, voice small and hesitant. Such a simple request would be just that, simple, coming from anyone else, but to her, it’s much more. Sasha does not like hugs. To be held like that feels suffocating, like she’s trapped in a cage- the last time she was hugged was by Eldarion, in one of her many embraces she’d forced upon her. A cage within a cage. Even the few times she and Azu had been intimate, she’d always been on top and afterwards, had been the big spoon. Sasha often wonders what it might feel like to be in Azu’s large, muscular arms, but to think too long about it only causes her chest to tighten painfully with dread. 

When Azu’s arms close around her, the sensation doesn’t feel anything like she remembers Eldarion’s hugs to be like. Those were too tight, too impersonal, too cold. This is not one of Eldarion’s hugs, and after only a moment, the tension leaves Sasha’s body and she relaxes against Azu, head on her chest. The beat of the paladin’s heart is a soothing drum, and soon her own rapidly fluttering heartbeat slows to match. She still shakes, but the violent tremors have diminished into a gentle tremble. Finally, she calms into stillness, breathing even and eyes closed.

“It was you,” Sasha eventually tells Azu. 

“What do you mean?” Comes the response from above her head.

“In the dream. You died in it. I didn’t have any potions and you couldn’t heal yourself, and you bled out.” 

Azu is quiet for a moment, stomach twisting with a pang. This is what scared Sasha so badly? She doesn’t know what to say- she can’t promise they won’t die, not when they’ve all come so close so many times, not when death in combat is a very real possibility. Azu knows she could die tomorrow, any of them might. It’s something she’s made her peace with. Azu is not scared of death. 

“I’m not dead, Sasha. I’m okay.” She soothes, gently kissing her lover’s wiry hair. The word ‘love’ has never passed between them, and likely never will, but Azu knows that is the word for what they have. To know that Sasha has nightmares about losing her is as good as being told so. 

“Yeah.” Sasha mumbles. 

“Do you want me to let go?” 

“No. Just… just keep holding me for a bit.”

In Azu’s warm embrace, Sasha knows she’s safe. She knows she can let her guard down. Maybe they’ll all die in the morning, but for now, this is enough. 


End file.
